Waiters are your friends.

There are two things that I would like to point out firstly.
1. Waiters, we are your friends, you might not know it yet - but if you treat a waiter right, your dining experience could be brought to a whole nother level. If you laugh, crack jokes, respond to your waiter when he/she is talking to you - you're already off to a great start. A waiter can become your best friend, he or she might even hook you up with a free dessert, maybe some free alcohol, and in some cases - we'll even run to another store to get you something that we don't have (Only if you're a previous regular that's tipped an amount and have given us a story to never forget.

2. Waiters, we can be your worst enemy, you won't ever know it (That's the scary part) - Sure, we might have a smile on our face, do as you request, you may belittle us as much as you wish - because we're serving you YOUR food, that you INGEST, we serve you the DRINKS, that you guzzle down after WE have poured it for you. Don't ever forget, we're the ones that take care of YOU.

When I was first starting out at the (undisclosed location - due to it still being my current employers -- We'll call it the "86 Everything")  I was going through training - which was a long, tedious, incredibly mind numbing two weeks, where we learned the essentials of being a waiter, from a common term such as "lagniappe" which means to go the extra foot, or extra mile to checking up on your tables which eventually led into the stairway all waiters consider heaven - watching your table leave the restaurant.

The best and worst part of watching your once either extremely gracious, heart warming, courteous, well mannered table or your evil, sadistic, putrid, almost brainless table leave the restaurant is when you check how much they tipped you. Either you begin to foam at the mouth and clench your fist in anger and hate your job that much more, or you get that tip that makes you light on your feet, your smile stretch from ear to ear, and makes you love your job for that 10 seconds until realty settles back in, the best and worst part of it all is - once that tables gone, you have another opportunity to do it all over again. ---This is clearly sarcasm---

Anywho, one of my first guests at the restaurant "86 Everything", was an elderly woman, she was a middle school principle at a local teaching facility(or as most people know them as, middle schools, highschools, etc.) - She has arrived at my table with her younger sister - and by younger I don't mean 18, more or less in her mid 40's. She was quick to smile, she even asked what my name was so she could adress me properly, Oh how I was taken back by this question, not in a sense of negativity, but by the fact that she was more concerned with who I was, than what she wanted to drink, or eat. The lady's courtesy didn't end there, she would often use her "Thank you's", her "May I?" and the most beloved statement of all "Whenever YOU'RE ready".

Because it was (We'll call her Angel) Angel's first time at the restaurant, she was clueless as to what she wanted to drink, and what to eat - she simply let a soft hearted smile an requested "WUT IS DA BEST DRINK IN DA HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE?".....No, Not really, that never happened, what she actually said was "What is YOUR favorite beverage?" unsure of what to say because I was fairly new to the restaurant, I blurted out "Jack and coke" -- Clearly an older woman, a middle school principle, would love to get toasted at Eleven in the morning. I then began to hastily apologize and assured her that the Peach Ice Tea was a "phenominal" beverage (Of course she took the suggested, and nodded away assuring, that was going to have the Peach Tea).

Angels sister still hadn't arrived at the restaurant, and I was bored as my section was empty so I began talking away with her (which is how I found out her occupation), it turns out she was single after her husband had passed away, she said he would constantly remind her "Don't forget to tip your waiter!" even when she wasn't even dining at a restaurant, she could simply be cooking dinner, or washing the dishes, or even puttin on her shoes, she began to get a soft undertone in her voice (Clearly she was still upset at the loss) and I told her "Wait one second, I know how to make things all better!". So I began my way behind the war zone (the line, where all the food is placed under heat lamps until ready to be served) and went into the freezer where I dug a scoop of Ice cream, topped it with our chocolate ganache and polished it off with our clearly out dated Maraschino Cherries. I trotted back to the table, and she immedietly began laughing hysterically and told me "You're that kind of waiter that guests tell their friends about!" and I replied with "Well! You're the kind of guests that waiters tell other waiters about in hopes to get a chance to serve someone lik--- All of a sudden, It seemed as if I had hit puberty again as my voice reached a whole new level of high, as I squeeked out the rest of the sentence ---like you." I paused. She stared. Then we both broke out in a laugh, more or less a nervous chuckle from me. At the end of Angels meal(She had the porkchops, which I suggested) ,  she requested for the check, which I gladfully handed to her in our, now extinct, leather waiter wallets. Angels bill was only $34.50, and she had left 35$ in the wallet, and told me to keep the change. I then drew the butter knife that I tuck in my right sock and began to gouge her eyes out. No, That never happened, the truth is she had left a ONE HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL, Inside the waiter wallet, and told me to keep the change. I tried to tell her that it was way too much, and she replied with "Buy yourself a nice stick of gum, or a soda pop".

This is the kind of customer that waiter's dream about. She's a waiters best friend.

I hate my job.

Things that make me cringe:

1. Ordering water and asking for "extra lemons" and "extra sugar!"
Just order a damn lemonade!!!

...2. Asking, "Do you have any crayons for the kids?"

3. People who mis-pronounce food items: "I'll have the Cheeyanti!"
(Chianti)
OR "Puhnay Ruhsteekuh (Penne Rustica) ‎4. Ending all items in the plural tense: shrimps (shrimp), grenadines (grenadine)
5. "Get me a ummmmmmm!!!!!"
6. "Waters all around!!!!!"
7. People who still think tipping 15% is appropriate. It's now 18-20% Where the hell h...ave these people been?
8. People who request a booth, when their clearly isnt any open
9. "What you got that's free refills?"
10. People who order anything "extra, extra, extra well done!"
11. People who overuse your name after reading it on your name tag.
12. People who sit down to eat 15 minutes before last call!
1...3. Nagging, annoying, bitchy, picky women, especially business woman, and then they don't tip!!!!!
14. People who leave euro cent change on the table
15. People who write little notes on the table about your service , or how they dont have the money to tip - IF YOU CANT TIP - STAY HOME.

Dear People, Tips = To insure prompt service.
Also, when I ask you what you would like to drink, don't say "red wine" or "white wine." Please indicate a specific fucking type and/or brand. Thank you and good luck (inbreeds).

1. "Can we get the rosemary bread without rosemary?" - Yes, let me pluck out every individual fucking piece of rosemary out of the bread
2. The fucks that ask "Where's the balsamic?" when you only have all their fucking drinks in your hand.... "Hold on, its right here, let me pull it out my ass.
3. When you hook a table up - and they still leave you a shitty tip! "You fuck! I just saved you 30$ and you leave me 4$?!?"
4. "how much does that cost?"..if you have to ask how much a side of mashed potatoes is..we have a problem.
5. If a customer mentions the tip during the meal, as in before, during, or after the meal, it is almost guaranteed to be not that much.
6.Me: Pepper corn Ranch, Creamy Italian, Fat free italian,Caesar, Balsamic vinigrette
Them: Oh! Ill take Blue Cheese!
When the fuck did I say blue cheese?
7. "Your coffee tastes like shit!" Okay, what am I suppose to do about it? It's freshly brewed and it's hot. Either drink it, or get over it. Not my fucking problem.
8. "We're in a hurry.... I'll take a chianti steak. Well done." Seriously?
9. A twenty top playing musical chairs after the food has been ordered, but before they tell you who is on each split check.
10.If you want a cappuccino, ask for a cappuccino. Not a cup of chino, a chino, or a cafechino. Seriously. If you can't say it, you don't deserve to eat/drink it.
11. Don't interrupt me while I'm at another table.
12. Your food preparation is NOT MY FAULT. I'll do my best to correct it, but don't screw me on the tip.
13. Don't be ignorant. If you need three things, ask me for them all at once.